Hi, how are you? I hope it's been a good day for you. For me, it was okay-to-good.
I'm not exactly fishing for a man. I was married for 30 years (some of them good), divorced, had a tempestuous romance for a couple of years (after the marriage), and I figure that's a good sampling of experiences with men, and I can relax into the single life, which I haven't experienced much of. I promised God and myself that if there's ever another man in my life, I'll have to be SURE that God sent him.
So I expect to be single from now on. Anybody else? Want to talk about what it's like, what's good about it, how you found peace with it? Sometimes I miss having someone in my life every day, but I have my cats, and of course God, and my church family, neighbors, other friends....
Howdy werwer welcome to the boards! It's been rather quiet around here lately; not sure what's up with that. Usually we have a party with chocolate fountains and margaritas for newcomers. Maybe that's just in chat anymore; there's a chat room here that's pretty active each evening.
Anyway, I gave up my singlehood last year when I remarried. Divorced about 7 years ago, spent a couple years by myself before I met my current husband. I'm not sure that I ever found complete peace during my single days but it was easier as time went on; at the time I was still working out a lot of stuff from my previous marriage/divorce, but was thankful for my friends and church, and Psalms kept me going from day to day sometimes. I did enjoy being able to make my own choices about what my kids and I did with our time, but it did get mighty lonesome sometimes! In a fit of lonliness one Valentines Day, after my ex had announced that he'd met the perfect woman online, I got on the internet and posted a profile. That's where I met my husband a short time later. We dated for several years, and almost quit dating several times for various reasons, and I was ok with that at the time. But here we are..........................
Anyway, this is a fun place to hang out usually, unless you head for the News & Views board. I've made a bunch of great friends here, some only cyber friends, some I've met in person (some of us get together each year). So please feel free to jump into any of the conversations.
I have been single my whole life and just turned 50 this year. Now, I am a content single and don't think too much about marriage any more.
When I was younger, it was pretty hard. When I turned 30, the church I was going to tried to kick me out of the singles group. It was quite traumatic. I had about 50 friends all the way from age 18 to 30 that I would have left behind. My friends rebelled and got the age limit pushed up to age 35. I stayed in the group until age 35 and then moved to another state. Then the same thing happened all over again at age 40, and again I hit the limit just before I moved to yet another state.
Now, here in Jacksonville, FL I am in a singles ministry mecca. There are at least 10 Christian singles groups in town for OVER ages 40. We have singles all the way into retirement, and many marry late in life. I met three generations in the same family once. Widow grandma was 83, divorced mom was mid 40's, and single grad school grand daughter was early 20's. They all came to the same singles group together.
Living alone is not bad at all if you have access to a lot of other single friends. The weekends are full of nice activities and ministry opportunities. I used to attend 4 singles groups and was gone from home 6 days out of seven. Now I have it paired down to just two groups. We do everything from helping with the homeless shelter and soup kitchen to going white water rafting and having beach parties. Living in Florida helps too. We have all the 70 degree winter days to use for hikes and camping trips.
I've been single many more years than I was ever married. My life is busy but I wouldn't say I have found peace with it. Having friends is definitely the key. But there are still those quiet times that are very lonely and even the best friend, or my 2 cats, cannot fill that void.
I do have a male friend in my life but I don't see marriage with him; there is no emotional connection. I believe God brings people into your life as you need them. This man came into my life to easy my transition into being single again. The longer I am single, the more I think this is how it will be from now on. And I don't know if that's OK or not yet.
It wouldn't be so bad if I were still working but I've recently lost that part of my life too. So now I also have to deal with getting into a new routine (and finding another job!). I keep in touch with some of my former co-workers. I have also met some new friends on meetup.com and I've joined the YMCA for something constructive to do.
I was widowed in March 2008 after being married to a wonderful (not perfect!) man for almost 32 years. At first I thought I would be fine living alone for the rest of my life, but recently I've come to realize that I miss male companionship. There are NO eligible men in my church and I have no idea where to look. I have never been a "bar person", and I'm not going to start now! So, tell me, where does a 50-something woman go to find someone to go out with once in a while?
I would Google to see if there are any Christian singles groups in your town or metro area.
Often there are groups composed of people from several churches. Not all churches have a singles group, so people network together to form one big ministry nowdays.
There are at least two big groups in our town with around 10 different churches involved. The ages run from 40+ up into retirement years. They have every type of church represented from Lutheran to Methodist to Epispcopal to non-denominational.
Re: New... 50s... want to talk about being single?
Nov 8, 2009 2:05 PM
in response to: obewan2
Hey, great posts! Sometimes it seems that everyone is married but me.
In my original post, one thing I wrote wasn't exactly what I meant. I never considered the two serious relationships I had as just "experience." Looking back, though, I've learned from them, including some things about myself, so that's experience. And I am mostly satisfied that I've lived a full life in that area.
So anyway. Several people mentioned getting lonely. Me too. But if it's getting me down, at some point I usually remember that a relationship has its own downers. Remember those arguments, and the wonderful creative lines like "You can't take criticism, can you?" And when he/she doesn't come home or call when expected, and you're stuck between worry because they might have been in an accident, and anger that they would just go on their merry way and not think of your worrying that they've been in an accident....
Someone mentioned Valentine's Day. Last year, my first Valentine's Day alone since the stormy relationship, I took a handicapped single man I know out for a nice dinner. Actually, I drove and he paid, so maybe it felt a little like a date for both of us. Anyway, did that cure the bit of sadness from being alone on Valentine's Day? You want an honest answer? Nope. It must have helped some, though, since I couldn't just sit around moping.
One way to meet single people is on online dating sites, and I see that it does sometimes work. But you have to be VERY careful. When I was first divorced I tried it, and I met a lot of men, and I learned a LOT, mostly negative stuff. A lot of the men want sex on the first date, or at most, on the second. Some are looking for a free place to live. Some of them are downright weird, stalkers or inclined to jump into rages or whatever without warning or cause: with some men, if they can get you into a partly-deserted corner or into their car they'll feel you up or do other things I don't think I should mention. Message me privately if you're curious enough.
Here's an idea you can help with if you want: A list of matching advantages/disadvantages to being single/married. Example:
1. The house is too quiet sometimes vs. the house is too noisy sometimes such as with endless televised sports on the weekends. I think singleness wins that one, at least with me.
2. There's nobody who's always around to help with things like little repair necessities that come up and need more than two hands, and you don't want to bother neighbors or friends with your minor problems, vs. there's nobody around asking you to find things they've lost, leaving their mess from dinner for just you to clean up, etc. I think this one's about even--both are about the same level of problem for me.
3. Not having somebody to hold at night vs. not having somebody expecting you to be at home at a certain time and prepared to raise a big fuss if you aren't and maybe even call the highway patrol. Okay, that one's clearly in favor of marriage. I'd just call if I was going to be late anyway.
Anybody want to add anything?
Re: New... 50s... want to talk about being single?
Nov 10, 2009 11:41 AM
in response to: guest
Hey, werwer, good points. I have asked some pretty contraversal questions/statements myself! All, were good natured and there are some good people on this LOL. Somewhere, I was told that if you are meant to be single, then God will provide you resources in which you can serve Him through helping those in need!! I think that St. Paul took his singleness to serve the Lord!! And, I am sure that this is what you are doing. I was also told that the single person does not have to worry so much and can relax and serve the Lord. Yes, I was worrying about the guy and if he was someone that would kill me!!! I tend to get pretty extreme! I have not had very good experiences with men, starting with my stepdad. That is a long story. I have been divorced for several years, and, have had some bad experiences and some good ones, but, not becoming marriage. I am pretty sure that one guy did love me, even though he did not want to admit it. We, broke up. I have thought about staying single, and relaxing with the thought that I would not have to worry about the details of the bad things that you mentioned about men. Now, you have had some people on here that totally agree with you and would love to be single for the rest of their lives! But, I say, that I can't. I work at a place where I see and talk to people all the time. Some guys got married, who I thought would never get married!!!! I just could not picture one or two people being or wanting marriage!!! Anyway, my heart aches when I see married couples, and, some couples that are dating. I feel happy when I see and hope that the marriage is a good one!! So, I can not really be happy being alone for the rest of my life!! My heart aches just at the thought of that!! Sorry!
Actually thought we were getting married this summer...but he doesn't want to set a date and I am having second thoughts. My sons want me to tell him to make up his mind, but I don't really mind the once or twice a month dates. Yes...sometimes I am lonely and/ or just feel alone....but also kinda like being single as I can make what I want to eat or go out or not eat at all...my choice....and neither do I have to make sure the place is perfectly clean. If I don't feel like doing dishes or make the bed, I don't have to.
Having said all that...I will probably change my mind tomorrow and wish he were here to comfort me or to try to beat me at a game of scrabble.
When I was going to a Christian singles group, I sat in on a book and topic night. Some of the women in that group assured me, that they did go thru a time when they were lonely and wanted a guy in their lives, and, then they said that being single is the best thing, like you werwer. I was feeling nervous being around them. So, I felt bad that I did want someone in my life!!! And, now, I still want someone in my life.
I've been single all my life and probable will be the rwst of my life the way things are going. Circumstances are a main reason why I'm still single. When I got out of the Amry almost 22 years ago now my folks moved down to TN while I was in and to some small hick town. Well when I first got here I learned they didn't like outsiders too much and being from up north was another strike. Plus the fact that for the most of my first 6 years or so In TN I worked 2nd or 3rd shift jobs and alot of weekends so no socal life either. when I was in my late 30's I moved to one of the large cities in TN the city being Nashville and again circumstance went agaist me as I worked durring the day and was taking classes at night as I moved to Nashville to go back to school as I got tired of factory jobs I been doing since I got out of the Military. I been done with school for a few years now but fell back into the old routine of go to work and back home. The plus side of being signle all these years is all the vacations I took over the years plus I had a few Mustangs back in the 90's that I probable never would have had if I gotten married.
Did you take all those vacations by yourself? I think about all the places I would like to go but don't have the guts to go myself. How do you ask your married friends to go with you or your single friends who can't afford it?
Yes I took all those vacations by meself I just got in my vehicle and drove all over this great country. A few times I did fly then got in the rental car and drove to many places in CA OR and WA as those states are just too far to make it on a one week road trip.
Edited by: lonelyfordtruckman on Nov 23, 2009 9:30 AM
Do you still live in Tn? what part? I'm a 58 yo, former IL gal, now living in GA, east of Atlanta. I am wanting to retire to Tn and am seriously considering the NE corner near Kingsport. I have a son, who lives and works in the western Baltimore burbs. I miss snow and the 4 seasons of weather, after being in GA since 1998. I am a retired prof/teacher after 34 yrs of teaching. Trying to find 'a life' now and having a hard time of it .............. single, divorced twice, both drank and cheated........ now I'm overly cautious, but have not given up hope. One of the main reasons I want to move is to find a Lutheran church for me. Not many, if any here.
Sounds like I fit in with lots in this thread. Being single isn't FUN for me and now, being retired, isn't any better. I'm waiting to be a grandma, but have to be a mother-in-law first!!! Would like to travel, but don't want to go alone. I would love to take an Alaska cruise, travel to the West to see the wonderful sites God has created and helped man to make.
I just can't seem to make that BIG first step now. Not sure why, after being such an independent, in control gal for so long.
I wish I had some words of encouragement but I think we┐re in the same boat┐.single, divorced twice, mother-in-law with no chance of grandkids, involuntarily retired, kids unemployed and living with me. Not how I imagined retirement would be.
Like artbarb, I cry inside when I see married couples, especially in church; how I miss that. Some of us are just not good at being alone. Oh sure, we┐re free to do what we want and go where we want, when we want. But do we really? I finally have the courage to go out to breakfast by myself but I go to a family restaurant where there are usually several older women (probably widows) eating alone.
I was very independent and in control most of my life too. But now, being single, over 50, unemployed; just not where I thought I would be at this time in my life and it's difficult to handle.
Singlehood is difficult for everyone I think. We all imagine what it would be like if we have never been married and we all remember what it was like if we have been married. I think being divorced, widowed, or never married all have the same lonliness involved, just in different ways.
Re: New... 50s... want to talk about being single?
Dec 13, 2009 7:01 PM
in response to: guest
There is a lot to be said about being single...whole...happy and complete. At that point you possess more than just the possiblity of meeting someone special you probably find that God is ready to bless you and direct you on that journey. I used to believe being Christian made it easier to meet the right person/people...I actually think it complicates matters....there are pseudo-christian types which we cannot judge as we cannot read their hearts, but instead God teaches us discernment to assist us in the process. I work in a Church so I maintain my day (even when the trials of my impending divorce get heavy) by remembering I am a child of God and through his grace and love I am a new creature. I also try to begin and end my day in the Sanctuary speaking with him about my struggles and that I don't wish to harbor anger, resentment and those feelings that will impede my growth and ability to receive his forgiveness.
I haven't much time for communication along these lines...I have read a few postings and will try to continue from time to time. I am looking forward to 2010 and trying to remember that each day is a new beginning
with no mistakes in it yet.
Edited by: AngelLover on Dec 14, 2009 11:02 AM
Re: New... 50s... want to talk about being single?
Mar 8, 2010 9:15 PM
in response to: guest
Thank you for your post. I received my divorce decree Feb.25th officially ending a marriage that ended four years ago. When I married in July '76 I was not a Lutheran. There were lies/partial truths told at the time. I know what you mean about pseudo-Christians. There are stories I have followed here or on Chat. I will be 64 late this month, so starting over is not easy. I have reservations about marrying again yet miss having a lady in my life. There are men and women on this sight who have been burned and are reluctant to marry again. I am what is referred to as Old Missouri. There are those who call themselves Confessional Lutherans who do not know what that means. Much as I would like to find a like minded lady my pastor believes compromising confessional integrity is forbidden. My congregation is small and the only single ladies are either way too young or widows who are several years older than me. There is the focus on a relationship with the Lord that makes marriage at this time is questionable. Those who are the lone single in their congregation I can relate to. Getting through being single the rest of my life will be impossible WITHOUT the Lord's help.
Hi and welcome to LOL...I am single too and have been my whole life. When I was younger i never went anywhere because I didnt drive and a lot of the kids I went to school with were relatives(small parochial high school). When I went to college, it was more about having fun with friends. Now, being newly 50, I just haven't found the right man. I think about being married and loving someone so much, but there are no men around here and time is not in my favor. I have my cats and my Parents, who are elderly and need my attention now. If God wants me to have a man in my life, I know He will provide. I have God in my life and that's the best Man I will ever have. God bless you
Hi everyone. I too understand the pros and cons of being single and married; plus the lonliness that can happen in both situations. I married a little later in life and, sad to say, settled for the first guy who was interested in me. Unfortunately, it was not a happy marriage; he was very dominering and pretty much controled my life. Seven years ago he passed away suddenly from a massive heart attack. At first being alone was very difficult, but I had my daughter which helped. After a while there was a sense of peace, because my daughter and I were able to do what we wanted, when we wanted, without having to answer to anyone. I haven't been out with anyone since his death, and must admit I am very nervous about getting out there again. I believe that if it is God's plan for me to have someone else in my life it will happen. If I'm meant to be single, He will help me through it too.
I have been divorced for 2 years now. After a long marriage that I should have left many years sooner, it still seems strange being single. Of course, it is nice being safe now too. Sometimes I feel ready to try again and do the on line thing and then other times I am scared of making a mistake again. There are no available men in church. I moved to a small town so there is not much going on to meet people. At my age--retired-- I guess my couple days are over. How do you all cope with the lonely times that do come? While divorce is common, I still feel like people look down on those who had failed marriage. Do other people feel that way too? I don't know any divorced people to ask.
Hi Neema and welcome. Absolutely no one is going to look down on your for leaving your marriage if you were being abused! And being terrified to do it again is completely understandable. Dating is hard, and I'm sure the roller coaster emotions make you want to do it one day, and be scared to death another day. As far as meeting people goes, it would be nice to meet people the old fashioned way, but it is really fun to meet people online that you wouldn't normally cross paths with. That's all it is, is a tool to actually meet someone. After that, you still have to spend A LOT of time to get to know someone in person, preferably nearby geographically, know their family, their friends, why their past relationships failed, their bad habits, etc. And as far as your retirement age goes, that's no reason your couplehood days are over! My mom moved to a retirement apartment a few years ago at age 68, and has had fun hanging out with her new "friend", taking cruises, traveling, going out. Several "older than me" couples I know have met on this site.
Anyway, welcome, I'm a 40 something mom of two teenage boys in Mid Mo, remarried two years ago after being divorced 7 years ago, and step grandma to two adorable little girls. Met my husband at match.com
As far as coping with the lonely times, it's fun to make friends here. It's also a great opportunity to reach out to others who are also lonely, join Bible studies, volunteer in the community, take a class, work on those things at home you never had time to do when you were working - cross-stitch, scrapbook, paint, clean closets. Time to delve into God's word and see that He will never leave you or forsake you! Psalms are especially comforting in those times.
There's a chat room here too that's usually active every evening; lots of our couples here have met there; one couple, both widowed, just got married this past August after meeting there last year.
Just jump in the conversations and you'll be amazed at how many new friends you'll have before you know it! (Except News and Views; it's not as "friendly" as the other threads sometimes). But if you enjoy current event discussions, go for it.
Re: New... 50s... want to talk about being single?
Jan 21, 2010 1:32 PM
in response to: Neema
This is my first time back to the board in months. What a nice group of people who are willing to talk!
About loneliness... I'm doing better with that all the time. There's nothing I did to deal with it, but regrets and thoughts/feelings of loneliness are being replaced in my life by all the other things I'm doing now. Sometimes days go by without my even thinking about being lonely, alone, single--it's just my life as me.
But, of course, there are those other times. (Warning: philosophical talk ahead)-- Life has its sadness. Nothing a person can do but live through it and soon get back to the pleasures that are also part of life....This is so easy to say when not having one of those sad times.
I think that we who are divorced have experienced what you are talking about. A failed marriage still seems to be a stigma even though the reason for the divorce was not ours. When I was in pre-marrital counselling with a young pastor, he told me that it was okay to forgive my husband for infidelity. He did not say that it was okay for us to forgive each other. I told him that I would more than willingly forgive him, but that he would not sleep in my bed again as there were too many diseases out there that he could give me.
Well...my husband did find someone else and we divorced. I, too, was not going to stay with someone who no longer loved me enough to be monogomous or to go to counselling to rectify the marriage. It was quick...but not painless.
In six short weeks, I had my divorce finalized, my house sold, and had quit my job so I could move to be closer to my son. I have not seen nor spoken to him since as we had no children together and we live in different states.
As I have stated above...there are lonely times...but being alone has gotten easier.
Just wanted to say that loneliness is a difficult thing. I am working my way through a divorce after 23 years of marriage. I am in the 40's and have four children who are almost raised. My husband has decided that he is not sure he wants to be with us according to his words, but his actions say that he does not want to be with us anymore. I have filed for divorce and have had my preliminary hearing(a requirement in IN) and now just need to find the courage to finish this so called marriage. My husband and I had what seemed like a relatively normal marriage until about 2 years ago. I won't go into details, but it has been very devastating for the kids and myself to suddenly not be wanted by our husband and father. I am currently meeting with a counselor and being treated for mild depression. The idea of being looked down on for a failed marriage is definately a factor that has affected me. I pray often and have spent much time in Bible study. I know that I can not control what my husband has chosen to do, but it is still saddening to realize that the man that I once intended to spend my life with not longer wants me. My kids keep me busy, but I am still sad at times. My new job has given me many challenges which have kept me busy and have added some positive accomplishments to my life. I know that God is leading me and I must just follow Him.
Just wanted to let my friends here know that I am currently "talking to" a man that I met through the chat room here. He really has brought many smiles to my face. I'm not sure where this is heading at all. I do know that I want to meet this man face to face. I know that for now I can only have him as a good friend to chat with, but am hoping that my divorce will come to be a reality soon. But as I'm sure all here know that doesn't usually work that way.