The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the
children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery Performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord,
Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith ." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
It's Sandy's fault; she's the one who sent it to me
OLE AND SVEN.....
The company wants to hire two guys to install utility poles. Also applying are two Irish guys, Sean and Mike.
The supervisor sits all four of them down. "Okay," he says, "here's the deal. You two and you two will go out for eight hours and install utility poles. Whichever pair does the most after eight hours gets the job."
Sven and Ole, and Sean and Mike, take off in their respective trucks. After eight and a half hours, Sean and Mike return, dirty and sweaty.
"How'd it go?" asks the supervisor.
"It was hard work," says Sean, "but me and Mike, we installed twenty poles."
Four hours later, Sven and Ole return. The supervisor is beside himself. "You're four hours late," he fumes. "How many poles did you install?"
Sven replies, "Five."
"Five?!" sputters the supervisor. "Those two Irish guys put in twenty!"
"Ja," says Ole, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the dirt."
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer
to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room,
the pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling. No one spoke.
Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man
would ask them to be with him in his final moments. They were puzzled because
the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old pastor mustered all his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves and that's how I'd like to go."
After standing in line at the Dept of Motor Vehicles for what felt like eons, my brother finally got to the counter. As the clerk typed his name into the computer, she said, "That's odd." "What's wrong?" James asked. "My computer says you're deceased,"
Surveying his surroundings, James muttered, "Great. I died and went to hell."
I bought my hubby a little collector's toy tractor, a replica of an orange Allis-Chalmers. His father was an engineer with the company for 40 years, designed a lot of their engine parts (we have all his drawings of the final ideas). But...alas....Allis-Chalmers is no more.
Jitter, we moved to a different house last year. Part of the plan when we moved was to find a place he could build a building. We found a fairly cheap foreclosure home with a little land, and he got his building built, although we've run out of money and don't have doors on it yet! But we can finally get some of his toys out of the weather I forgot what year the tractor is, but we've had fun driving it in antique tractor drives and a few parades.
WOW! nice building what ever you end up calling it. Good he has a place for his "toys" I have two bedrooms with stuff and a room off the kitchen. I have to make myself keep stuff out of my bedroom and guest room.
I have paints, jewelry tools, rocks and you name it. People tease me all the time about how many paint brushes I have. Oh well.
A few years ago we used to go to the tractor show in Boyne City, Mi. as had cousins in the tractor parade and some of the tractors were really old. One cousin found his Dads old tractor in a swamp and refurbished it and it seemed as every one wanted it after that.
I'm quite spoiled in this house. It's not necessarily that big, upstairs is just a standard 3br 2bath house, but it does have a finished basement, which is where my boys sleep. There are two bedrooms, bath, laundry and family room down there, plus two large unfinished storage rooms. So I get the two extra bedrooms upstairs; one has a twin bed and the computer in it, and all my cross stitch stuff (and a bookcase of course), and the other has my desk, a scrapbooking desk, and a bookcase of course My son calls that room the "useless" room. We got it for $100k less than the previous owners paid for it, but had to renovate the inside; they trashed it. But still a bargain. And it has a giant attached garage as well.
One of my brother pastors in the circuit had a massive heart attack on their 31st wedding anniversary and went to be with his Lord. To call him a John Deere fan would be the understatement of understatements! He drove an antique JD very similar to your picture, cut the lawn with a JD, and had a HUGE collection of JD toys and memorabilia. It took me some doing to find them, but each pastor at his funeral wore a John Deere bandana on his cincture (the rope or cloth belt we wear with our vestments for those not familiar). John Deere green is a liturgical color, so that's OK.:D After the funeral, we presented one to his wife, one to each of his two children, and one to his brother-in-law who preached the funeral.
Someday, if I ever get to own a John Deere riding mower or lawn tractor, I'll wear that bandana with fond memories of a great friend... who had great tastes in tractors! After all, their headquarters is just 30 miles or so from my hometown.
What did the plow say to the tractor? Come a little closer..................John, Deere.
After a few weeks of courting, they finally got hitched.
One year later, Little Oliver came along
Then in 5 years the proud parents went to their first....PTO meeting.
Later in the spring, the teacher called home saying that Oliver had a little..hydrolic accident.
A father was reading the Bible to his little girl before bedtime one night. He was on the first chapter of Genesis. "In the beginning, the world was without form and void," the father read. "And God said, 'Let there be light.' And God separated the light from the dark." "I know what happens next!" the little girl exclaimed excitedly. "What happens next?" asked the father, smiling. The girl replied, "God did two loads of laundry!"
The following was overheard at a recent high society party¿¿My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,¿ said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, ¿How far does your family go back?¿ ¿I don¿t know,¿ was the reply. ¿All of our records were lost in the flood.¿
Borrowed from Windstar.....
Ole Tom & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter
and da lake had froze over.
Ole Tom asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.
So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole Tom his smokes,
she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?
Ole Tom replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.
I didn't enlist in the Army ¿ I was drafted. So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?" "What letters?" I answered slyly. "Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ¿Honk if you love Jesus¿ bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn¿t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn¿t honked, I¿d never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ¿For the love of God!¿
¿Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!¿
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight ... Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store. His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate,
the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car
for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"
said the beaming boy to his Father.
"Nope," came Dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of
your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for
It's a riff on how contractors supposedly laze around and don't do the work they are paid for...or any work at all. I know some like that, but I know plenty more who never STOP moving. May you always get a good one when you hire a contractor!
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God."If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God said, "That was the screen saver".
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
perelandra.............you're way off.. It means the guy wouldn't be dead as Shar said. Contractors are always using witt and specificaitons to gain a objective with dry humor. It is an engineering kind of humor thing. Not that kind of worken' for wages trunk slamming house kind most of y'all may be most familiar with, but a real commercial kind of contractor.
However I do know some slow leak union plumbers and mechanical conrtactor personnel.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
... 'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. To which she replied: 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language. After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff. Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "What for?" "For making an obscene clone fall."
So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
Did you think that one up yourself? Here's my offering. Not quite a joke but, hopefully, you'll enjoy it.
(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with "Good Evening", then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. My desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
20. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
21. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
22. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
25. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
26. I'm taught to respect my elders, but it¿s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
company's lawyer was questioning Ole. 'Didn't you say, sir, at the
time of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my
favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the
fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell
him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to
the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da
highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked
my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown
into da other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
yust by her groans'.
'Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman he came to da scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'.
'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and
shot her right 'tween da eyes.
Our grandson's scoutmaster must have fainted when he saw what he'd texted to his troop's parents: "Scouts 7:00 Sharp at the Church. We will finish up Aviation, Cycling, and Gynecology Merit Badges." That was followed by this message three minutes later: "Change of Plans. We will not be finishing up the Gynecology Merit Badge. Instead, it will be the Genealogy Merit Badge."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
It seems this old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. He called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speaking a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away...let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door,ten feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" STILL no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!!!"
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something ...
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.
A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors ...
... but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, " What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant? "
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, " Does she still have the hiccups?"
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window, and then I found myself trying it on," she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied his wife,"
but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the red neck asks, "What's that noise?
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
For those of you losing their memory like I am...where am I?
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
For some reason I think Heyyou will like this one......
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" The bartender answered, ......
A mousy looking little man walked into the bar with an ugly yellow dog. He climbed up to the bar and ordered a root beer. A big bully sitting nearby with his Rottweiler began to taunt and tease the little man and his dog. He kept trying to egg the man into having their dogs fight, but the little man insisted that he didn't believe in having animals fight, especially for the sport of it.
The bully wouldn't shut up, so finally the little man gave in and agreed to let the dogs fight. Everybody in the bar placed their bets and the dog fight was on. The fur started to fly and within seconds the Rottweiler ran, bloodied and yelping, out of the bar. As the little man collected his winnings, the bully stood in total disbelief. "What kind of dog was that?" he asked. "Well, until I cut his tail off and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."
Can't take credit for this one. It came from the menu/newspaper of a restaurant I visit on my way to see Mary's dad in Arkansas.
An old hillbilly way back in the woods was about to turn 90. He had never been sick a day in his life, and had never visited a doctor, so a local TV station sent a reporter to interview the man. One of the first questions was, "What kind of exercise are you doing to keep yourself so healthy as you get ready to celebrate your 90th birthday?" The old man replied, "Sonny, pushing 90 is all the exercise I can handle."
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn¿t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side.
Then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching TV.
As the wife had loved every minute of the loving and gentle touch of her husband, she asked in a gentle loving voice, ¿Oh sweetheart that felt so good, why did you stop?¿
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a Halloween party?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to show up dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep. "That's right. .... My last four scores were seven years ago."
The strongman at a circus squeezed the juice from a lemon
between his hands. He then said to the audience, " I'll offer $200
to anyone who can squeeze another drop from that lemon.
A thin scholarly looking woman came forward, picked up the lemon,
strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed.
He paid the woman and asked, "What is the secret to your strength?"
"Practice." the woman answered.
"I was a church treasurer for 32 years !"
Yes, healthcare costs are getting out of control....
Man went to the doctor and complained of multiple aches and pains. The doctor had him undress, put on a gown, and lay flat on an examining table.
The doctor then left the room and came back with a beautiful yellow labrador retriever. He walked the dog around the examining table while the dog sniffed the man from head to toe. After letting the dog out of the room, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I cannot determine the source of your pain."
The man was incensed and demanded another test be done. So the doctor went out, came back with a Siamese, a tabby, and a Maine Coon. He lifted each cat, held it over the man and walked from one end of the table to the other with the cat over the man's body.
Again, the doctor let the animals out and said, "I'm sorry, but I cannot determine the source of your pain." Before the man could say anything, the doctor continued, "The bill is $275." "WHAAAAAAAAT?!? WHAT FOR?!?!" yelled the man.